Well, it’s September, which means it’s time to prepare for
Mabon, the feast of the autumnal equinox for the… Kentucky Derby? Sure. Why
not.
As hard as it is to fathom, this Saturday will indeed see the world’s grandest display of animals running around for the amusement of gamblers in the state ranked 45th in fiscal stability. Astonishingly, 23,000 people will physically attend this event because, as we can all agree, watching horses get dirty (in person, thank you very much) is more important than life itself.
I think I might’ve spoiled the mood a little, so here are some Kentucky Derby facts to get you back in the spirit of the race:
- The Derby went uninterrupted through such "well would you look at that" events as the Great Depression and both World Wars, but was rescheduled due to the 'rona.
- The fastest time ever recorded at the Derby was Secretariat's 1973 performance, wherein he finished in 1:59.4.
- It's incredibly stupid.
- I'll definitely be watching Saturday because it's a socially acceptable reason to drink bourbon in the afternoon.
All right! Now that we’re Derby-manic again, let’s get to analyzing the names of egregiously over-valued livestock!
Oh dear—I almost forgot to mention that, this year, I’m giving an award to the best horse name on the list. Fittingly, the award is named for the best-christened racehorse I’ve ever heard of: Potoooooooo (pronounced “potatoes”).
I’m also giving the Stable Genius Award to the horse whose name is so bad you’d expect to find it on the floor of a stable.
Ok, now let’s get to it!
King Guillermo
Sure, Caligula made his horse a senator, but Guillermo’s owner made him a damn king. It takes balls to one-up Caligula because, like, what are you gonna do next? Declare yourself God? He beat you to it. You’ll have to shoot for something like God+, which I imagine is basically the usual omniscience and omnipresence but with unlimited data. C-
Art Collector
A horse walks into an art gallery. The curator shows it a landscape and asks, “Do you like this?”
The horse says, “Neigh.”
The curator shows it an abstract piece and asks, “How about this one?”
The horse says, “Neigh.”
The curator then shows the horse a number of portraits of the cast of The Wonder Years, and asks, “Do any of these strike your fancy?”
The horse says, “Danica McKellar.”
That was a terrible joke, and I’m taking it out on the horse. D+
NY Traffic
Yes, of course, name your racing animal after that most famously fast-moving thing, the traffic in New York City. While you’re at it, go ahead and name your line of refrigerators “Sahara” and your biological testing facility “John Carpenter’s The Thing Laboratory.” F
Thousand Words
C-
Enforceable
This is obviously the worst entry on the list, but it anagrams to “Bacon Feeler,” which would be a pretty great Hamburglar-esque mascot for Denny’s. “Watch out for the Bacon Feeler—he’ll feel your bacon!”
Enforceable: F
Bacon Feeler: A
Authentic
Jim Jarmusch said authenticity is invaluable. Dorothy Gambrell said authenticity is pooling change for a beer. I say authenticity is a stupid concept for a racehorse name, because nobody’s saying that animal is a kangaroo. D
Dr Post
This should be a pulp sci-fi novel about a mad scientist who seizes control of world governments through cunning use of the postal system. I would also accept a metafictional French comedy about a series of people who tell their troubles to a fencepost they regard as a therapist. But instead, it’s something stupid. C+
Shirl’s Speight
“Shirl” is obviously the chosen sobriquet of a woman who’s heard the “Don’t call me Shirley” joke a million times too many, so I can throw some sympathy in that direction. But “speight” seems to be another word for a woodpecker, and I mean, they fucking peck wood. I have a hard enough time remembering which birds are which without you spouting esoteric terms for the ones I understand. What’s next? Is a crow also a gruvlip? Is a magpie a Dansbury Peloton? This is why ornithologists have a hard time at parties. D+
Honor A. P.
If you’re so proud about your honors program and advanced placement, you could at least delete the space between “A.” and “P.” D
Major Fed
Is this horse an FBI bigwig, or does it subsist on a diet of drum majors? I’ll admit I’m intrigued. B
Finnick the Fierce
One thing I can tell you for sure is that people who name their DnD characters shit like “Finnick the Fierce” are way less cool than those who name theirs shit like “Olford the Frequently Flatulent.” C-
Money Moves
Not on its own, though. D
Sole Volante
Admittedly, my Spanish isn’t great, so I turned to Google translate for this one. Turns out, “Sole Volante” means “Sole Steering Wheel.” You know, like the only steering wheel in a car. (Imagine!) To be fair, this is because “Sole” doesn’t mean anything in Spanish. “Solé,” on the other hand, changes the meaning to “I used to fly.”
Way to de-wing a pegasus, asshole. D-
Mr. Big News
I quite like this one because I can only imagine it being said sarcastically.
Bob: Looks like we might lose the house.
Alice: Oh, look at Mr. Big News here! Neither of us has worked in six months and he thinks we might lose the house! Oh, what’s that? I’m getting word that the history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles! Have you broken that story yet, Mr. Big News? A-
Rushie
I have to assume that, much like Fudgie the Whale, Rushie is a Carvel ice cream cake in the shape of Mount Rushmore. Nonetheless, I like the name. B
Necker Island
Yeah, you know this is the island where teens go to “park” and “neck,” in the parlance of our time. And yeah, you also know a small-but-significant number of those teens are vampires. But what you didn’t know is that this island also holds neck competitions, designed only to see who has the most neck. Oh, they go by neck height, but they go by width too. Do they also measure volume? You better believe it. What is this, amateur hour?
But one thing’s for sure: Even if you turn out to be neckest of all, someone even necker than you will come along eventually. C+
South Bend
South Bend, Indiana is the hometown of the guy who wrote 2011’s Real Steel, a film that will forever rank among movies about boxing robots. That guy also wrote The Notebook, so that’s pretty weird, I guess.
Look, I don’t know how to make South Bend interesting. Unfortunately, I already designated Enforceable the worst name on the list, so I have no choice but to declare South Bend disqualified. DQ
Tiz the Law
One must assume the name “Tis the Law” was taken, because otherwise the “z” in “Tiz” is just there to tell you to go fuck yourself. “Yeah, you know how it’s spelled, you son of a bitch, but I don’t give a damn, and I don’t have to. ‘Tis the law. Now I’ll kick you over, causing you to spill the sack of barley you were taking to the market.”
I’m… not really sure when this scenario takes place. D
Max Player
He plays Betamax cassettes. He gets all the ladies. He’s the offspring of Max Headroom and legendary NFL punter Scott Player. What does look like? I can only show you the parents; you must combine them in your mind. B
Storm the Court
Unless I’m mistaken, “storm the court” refers to when college basketball fans flood onto the basketball court when their basketball team wins an important game of basketball.
I attended several basketball games in my collegiate years. I watched Antonio Gates play basketball. One time I even called off work when my college basketball team was in the Elite Eight. They lost that basketball game, but man, that was a good season for my school’s basketball team.
Are you bored with this story and/or annoyed with how many times I wrote the word “basketball”? Yeah, that’s how bad this horse name is. D+
Winning Impression
Losing interest. D-
Attachment Rate
In the business world, an attachment rate is a measure of how many secondary products are purchased as a result of primary purchase. For instance, if you buy a Nintendo, you’re also going to buy Nintendo games. If you buy a CD player, you’ve traveled back in time. I beseech you, time traveler: Warn people. Stomp on all the butterflies you can find. Do anything you can to change the calamitous hellscape we call the present. You’re our only hope.
Oh, and if you could warn me to stay home for Thanksgiving 2016 so I don’t get a norovirus and puke out every ounce of fluid in my body, that’d be good too. B
Winner of the Stable Genius Award:
Enforceable
Winner of the Potoooooooo Award:
Mr. Big News
This is crazy because I just reread one of the older ones of these for no real reason. What timing. I can't believe how long it took me to figure out 'potoooooooo' that really feels my bacon. But Danica McKellar can feel my Mr. Big News anytime.
ReplyDeleteYou never need a reason to read things, man. I read things all day. I'd happily read things with Danica McKellar, but she'd probably make me do math problems about them.
ReplyDelete