Kentucky Derby Horse Names 2021

Ah, it’s pony time again. Each year, when the Kentucky Derby rolls around, I’m reminded of the words of the Immortal Bard:

I will not change my horse with any that treads (…) When I bestride him, I soar, I am a hawk. He trots the air; the earth sings when he touches it; the basest horn of his hoof is more musical than the pipe of Hermes.

A majestic occasion, the Kentu—ok, I can’t keep it up. The Derby is a bourgie pissing contest cherished by gambleholics and those addicted to hats. I’d say it’s depraved, but since things can’t be “praved,” I’m not sure about the legitimacy of that word right now.

Honestly, I don’t see why Derby fans can’t just don fancy chapeaus, drink bourbon, and bet on three-year-old humans racing. It would be 10 times more fun, and the contestants wouldn’t (necessarily) get euthanized if they broke a leg.

My vision of a better world aside, it’s time to review some horse names.

 

Like the King

Which king, though? Are we talking the chess king, who’s very slow and has to move heaven and earth if someone looks at him? That dork has a lot in common with King Boo, who can’t bear a plumber putting eyes on him. Man, if I had a castle, I’d dare motherfuckers to look at me, because my castle comes with a dungeon. And that dungeon doesn’t have Wi-Fi.

Maybe they mean King Lear, who gets blinded, and something, something, I think it was tragic? I don’t really remember that play, because I’ve had to spend so much time thinking about the damn Kentucky Derby. But I’m gonna run with it. This is the King Lear horse. It’s blind, everyone else is blind, and instead of a race, we just learn Braille.   B-  

 

Dynamic One

You’ve heard of the Dynamic Duo, but are you ready for HALF AS MUCH DYNAMISM? Prepare yourself for Dynamic One, which we’re reasonably sure isn’t a euphemism for a manic-depressive.   F

 

O Besos

Spanish for “or kisses,” o besos is the second half of an ultimatum for Hispanic children. That’s the funny thing about life: When you’re a kid, being kissed can be mortifying, but as an adult, you get raped on your boyfriend’s corpse before your tongue is cut out and your hands are chopped off. Or maybe that’s Titus Andronicus. I always mix the two up.   D  

 

Ok, I think I've got all the Shakespeare out of my system.

 

Known Agenda

I’d assumed we knew the agenda of all racehorses (i.e. racing), but Known Agenda is giving me second thoughts. Is the racing circuit like college athletics programs? Are these animals earning their degrees behind the scenes? I’m all for education, but do we really need our already-anemic job market flooded with cheap horse labor? We already let groundhogs monopolize the weather prophesying field, and dolphins are dominating the underwater mine-detection business. When will it stop?   C+

 

Hidden Stash

Either there are drugs stowed in this horse, or they want you to think there are so you’ll sneak in at night and eviscerate the poor beast (probably as part of an insurance scam, but maybe just because they hate it). 

Hidden Stash? More like Hidden Agenda.   C+ 

 

Mandaloun  

A mandaloun is a type of window common in houses in the mountains of Lebanon. Learning this, I was filled with a sense of yearning, a desire to eat baba ganoush at elevation while idly gazing through this horse. I imagined spraying WD-40 on a cat, which might be a custom in Lebanon for all I know, and thought, Mandaloun is a great name, but a man like me, who drinks wine out of a coffee mug with “Classy Lady” printed on it, has no choice but to dock points for not simplifying the name to “Lebanese Windows.” And I maintain that I’m right in that; Lebanese Windows would be a first-ballot hall-of-famer in the Derby Name annals.   A-

 

  

Rock Your World

Add a colon to this shitty name and you get Rock: Your World, a documentary about the wonders of geology. Did you know the Earth is made up of so much rock that most of it liquefied due to peer pressure? Only the hardcore rocks resisted it (and the crust punks too, I guess).

But Rock Your World doesn’t have a colon, so it’s just a badly named horse with a colostomy.    D

Hot Rod Charlie

The most boomer horse name ever, Hot Rod Charlie commemorates Frankie Avalon drag racing against the Viet Cong in the unknown film Nam Ô Beach Blanket Bingo. Annette Funicello played the bikini-clad machine gunner who later developed Parkinson’s from all the Agent Orange.   D+

Super Stock

Admittedly, bone broth from another world that gets taken in by Kansans and grows up to battle a real estate developer would totally be worth watching. Unfortunately, the Kentucky Derby is not.   B

 

Essential Quality

Great. I have to figure out the essential quality of a horse. How Platonic. Well, I suppose the horse is the only animal that produces horse shit. Also, as far as I know, it’s the only other animal that wears shoes, in the sense that “shoes” means “metal semicircles” and “wears” means “has them forcibly nailed to its feet.”

Other than those two things, I can’t see the difference between a horse and a giant frog that looks exactly like a horse.   D

Highly Motivated

As far as bullshit résumé buzzwords go, Highly Motivated is a slightly better horse name than Multitasker, a slightly worse one than Self Starter, and nowhere close to Proficient in 10-Key.

Score for Highly Motivated: D
Score for Proficient in 10-Key: A

 

Caddo River

I get naming things after the river they're born near. Heck, that’s why Mississippi is the most common name in the United States. But the colt in question was born in Kentucky—not Arkansas, where the Caddo River is located. What kind of Pace Picante shit is this?

So remember, when you’re watching the Derby and the announcer says “Caddo River,” what they mean is “Caddo River appropriation.”   F

Dream Shake

As we all know, your dream shake is the handshake you fantasize about. Maybe you’ve always dreamed of shaking hands with Phil from high school. Maybe it’s Tina from work. Shaking two hands at once is a pretty common one, as is shaking a stranger’s hand without learning their name. Some people want to watch their spouse shake hands with someone else while they watch. That’s cool too, dude; I don’t shake shame.

Personally, I think the anal handshake would be more popular if it didn’t require so much prep work.

Score for Dream Shake: B+
Score for Anal Handshake: D+ (Just because I came up with it doesn’t mean I think it’s good.)


Midnight Bourbon

This is basically the default name for a horse from Kentucky. It’s like a cheese pizza, except A Cheese Pizza would be an interesting moniker.   C-

Sainthood

The Roman Catholic Church recognizes over 10,000 saints, meaning there are more saints than there are maniacs in 10,000 Maniacs. I can’t even name one song by that band, so sainthood doesn’t seem like such a big deal.   F

 

Helium  

Five billion years from now, the sun will have turned itself into so much helium that it will expand in a rapid burst, engulfing the Earth and boiling away whatever oceans and life are left. Whether you’re looking forward to that or not, I think we can agree it’s a bad name for a horse.   D

 

 

 

Soup and Sandwich

A no-nonsense name for a no-nonsense horse competing in an all-nonsense sport, Soup and Sandwich is a notch above. Horses around the globe wish they were named Soup and Sandwich. I wish I were named Soup and Sandwich. I can’t even imagine the joy of receiving a birthday cake decorated with “Happy Birthday Soup and Sandwich,” and I don’t even like cake.

When your name is Soup and Sandwich, you can go anywhere. Applying for a job? Everything else being equal, who’s going to hire Angie over Soup and Sandwich? Soup and Sandwich is pleasing, filling, comforting, and inexpensive. Angie flirts with you at a party and then tells people you’re an item. Soup and Sandwich ain’t clingy like that.   A+ 

 

King Fury

The trouble with monarchs is they can’t be court-ordered to attend anger management classes.   D-  

 

Brooklyn Strong

I can’t wait to watch this guy run around the track in his skinny jeans and oversized glasses. How does his trilby stay on, you ask? You’ll have to tune into his podcast, “Horse Attitudes,” to find out.   C+ 

 

 

Medina Spirit

Medina is in Saudi Arabia, where the consumption of spirits is punishable by public flogging. Racehorses get flogged in public. Huh. This one actually works!   B+

 

Keepmeinmind

I see someone’s worried about wear-and-tear on their spacebar. Thanks to that, no one can be certain whether this pony’s name is “Keep me in mind” or “Keep mein mind.” (You know, maybe it’s part German or something.) But even if it’s the former, that’s only 15 characters (the limit is 18), there’s no “Keep Me In Mind” in the Jockey Club registry, and keyboards are cheap. Therefore, Keepmeinmind was a deliberate choice, and I hate it.   F

 

Bourbonic

The bubonic plague sits at a bar, woefully reminiscing about the good old days. 50 million dead! The Black Plague, they called him. Oh, but that was ages ago, before science. Before modern medicine. Before Carla left.

“Barkeep, another bourbon. Make it a double.”

I’m a has-been, he thinks. Just a washed-up bourbonic plague.   C