Kentucky Derby Horse Names 2024

Well, they raced horses in Louisville again. That means I have to write about it, because, like the Kentucky Derby itself, society is built on dumb traditions. Other examples include boxing, circumcision, and chain steakhouses playing country music. Bitch, if I were a fucking cowboy, I’d be grilling my own steaks. (I do cook my own steaks, but, living in an apartment, I have to put them on the radiator and flip them after about 80 minutes.)

Now, I don’t hate horse racing because of animals’ rights or anything like that. Hell, if you gave me a filet o’horse, I’d probably try it. Grill it up on the ol’ radiator with some smoked paprika. Hell, I’ve eaten at Outback Steakhouse so many times, I’ve probably eaten horse already. It also isn’t my distaste for gambling, because betting on horses running around is funnier, and hopefully fairer, than the slots or the lottery.

My problem with horse racing is that I have to write basically the same thing about it EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.

I’m tired of it, but like Russia causing nuclear tension, it’s tradition. And thus, Darby the Derby ‘Dactyl will now initiate the 2024 Kentucky Horse Names Review.

Domestic Product

The degree of dispassionate, objective accuracy to the name Domestic Product—who was bred in Kentucky, after all—resonates with me. I, too, feel a complete detachment from this animal.

Unfortunately, whatever points it just gained are made moot by the fact that the first word I think of when I hear it is gross.    C

 

Epic Ride

Look how far we’ve come: Porn videos can now compete in horseracing.    D

 

Just Steel

Look how far we’ve come: Gay porn videos can now compete in horseracing.    C-

 

 

Grand Mo the First

Look at the cockiness of this guy. The first thing he tells you about himself is that he’s fucking grand. You know what kind of people are usually called “Grand”? People name shit like Ivan, Gustavus, or Mithridates. But this guy? Fucking Mo. Eat it, ye peasants, and grovel.

Oh, and Grand Mo? He’s two years old, but like Babe Ruth pointing to the stands, he’s telling you he’s gonna sire a goddamn dynasty. He’s Grand Mo the First, and by the time Grand Mo the Fifth comes around, half of the houses in Europe will carry Grand Mo blood.    A+

 

Dornoch

Named after a Scottish seaside resort with “the 5th best golf course outside the United States,” Dornoch is basically the Platonic ideal of a rich person’s name for a horse. It’s also the last place a “witch” was burned to death in Scotland, which only furthers that claim.

Now, since I’ve done all the research I care to do on this one, I’m going to assume Dornoch is pronounced like Door Knock, which is objectively a better name.

Score for Door Knock: C+

Score for Dornoch: F

 

 

Catalytic

If there’s anyone who hears the name Catalytic and doesn’t immediately think of the car part that meth heads steal to buy more meth to give them the energy they need to steal more car parts, they probably live in a less interesting country than mine.    B

 

Catching Freedom

I refuse to believe that Catching Freedom is the name of anything but a heartwarming 2003 movie about a kid, whose firefighter dad died in 9/11, making it to the major leagues due to the power of patriotism.

Even in a purely modern context, this name makes freedom sound like a disease.    D

 

 

Forever Young

I’m pretty sure Forever Young was the title of a shitty Mel Gibson movie my sister put on when we were kids. I watched it with her to appease her, because I didn’t know how to make my own macaroni and cheese. It might’ve been the first time I realized that movies could be bad, and I think I’d already seen Friday the 13^th Part 5.

Parents, teach all your kids how to boil pasta. It might save them from Mel Gibson.    F

 

Track Phantom

So your horse is never seen on the track? Try getting some experience, asshole.

I kid, I kid. I love a good ghost, and a ghost racehorse? That’s a scary story to tell in the dark.    B+

 

T O Password

I guess the “T O” here means “timeout,” and the password, as universally recognized in the realm of sport, is making a T with your hands. But if that’s the case, why not just name the horse Making a T With Your Hands? That’d be a hall-of-fame name!

Score for T O Password: C

Score for Making a T With Your Hands: A+

 

Stronghold

Ah, yes. What’s faster than a stronghold? Imagine the increased sales if Chevrolet rebranded the Corvette as the Fortification. Total market domination, I’m sure. Who doesn’t associate a defensive structure with going fast? That’s why I drive a Nissan City Wall.    F

 

Counterpoint: This thing can go the entire length of the board in one move.

 

THE GAUNTLET OF ABSTRACT STUPIDITY

These are the names that make me hate doing this.

Resilience

By Calvin Klein.    F

 

Endlessly

Even if we ignore the simple axiom that absolutely nothing deserves the indignity of having a single adverb for a name, Endlessly is a moronic thing to call a racehorse. The goal of racing is to do it in as little time as possible, just like executions and handjobs.    F

 

Fierceness

At best, Fierceness is a flavor of Monster Energy Drink that advertises on monster trucks. At worst, Fierceness is a flavor of Monster Energy Drink that advertises on poorly performing monster trucks.    F

 

 

BACK TO GEN POP

Just a Touch

Just a Touch is exactly the kind of name I vaguely like for its randomness but can’t fully endorse because it doesn’t excite me. On the other hand, it definitely beats out She Said She Was 23 for something you could call a horse but wouldn’t hold up if you said it in court.  

Score for Just a Touch: B

Score for me not making this entry a cheap callback to the handjob joke above: A

Score for me, adjusted for the fact that I just made that joke: C-

 

Honor Marie

According to the first site I clicked on, the United States of America has an estimated 533,143 women with the given name Marie, placing it in the 99^th percentile of female names. This stat doesn’t include the countless ladies who go by their middle name, and Marie is the most common middle name in the country.

All this is to say that, no matter how hard I try, I’m not gonna be honoring the Marie you have in mind. Thanks for the impossible task, asshole. I was really afraid I haven’t been failing enough recently.    D

 

A Marie not worthy of honor. (Busy day on the guillotine front, isn’t it?)

Society Man

Society Man
Doing the things a society can
What’s he like? It’s not important
Society Man

B+

Sierra Leone

Yes, Sierra Leone is a country with a violent history of authoritarian rule funded by blood diamonds, fighting coup after coup. However, its currency is called the leone. There’s a certain je ne sais quoi there that I enjoy. It doesn’t make up for the blood toll of brutal despotism, but it’s something.

Weird thing to name a horse, though.    D-

 

Mystik Dan

Dan the horse was able to communicate with the dead since his birth. He knows who killed JFK (Colonel Sanders). He knows who killed Kurt Cobain (Colonel Sanders). He knows who killed Betty White (the Yakuza). He somehow communicated this knowledge to his human handlers, who renamed him Mystik Dan because the C on their keyboard was broken.

And for once, a horse with a good name won the derby.    A