Well, they raced horses in Louisville again. That means I have to write about it, because, like the Kentucky Derby itself, society is built on dumb traditions. Other examples include boxing, circumcision, and chain steakhouses playing country music. Bitch, if I were a fucking cowboy, I’d be grilling my own steaks. (I do cook my own steaks, but, living in an apartment, I have to put them on the radiator and flip them after about 80 minutes.)
Now, I don’t hate horse racing because of animals’ rights or
anything like that. Hell, if you gave me a filet o’horse, I’d probably try it. Grill
it up on the ol’ radiator with some smoked paprika. Hell, I’ve eaten at Outback Steakhouse so many times,
I’ve probably eaten horse already. It also isn’t my distaste for gambling,
because betting on horses running around is funnier, and hopefully fairer, than
the slots or the lottery.
My problem with horse racing is that I have to write basically the same thing about
it EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.
I’m tired of it, but like Russia causing nuclear tension, it’s tradition. And thus, Darby the Derby ‘Dactyl will now initiate the 2024 Kentucky Horse Names Review.
The degree of dispassionate, objective accuracy to the name Domestic Product—who was bred in Kentucky, after all—resonates with me. I, too, feel a complete detachment from this animal.
Unfortunately, whatever points it just gained are made moot by the fact that the first word I think of when I hear it is gross. C
Epic Ride
Look how far we’ve come: Porn videos can now compete in horseracing. D
Just Steel
Look how far we’ve come: Gay porn videos can now compete in horseracing. C-
Grand Mo the First
Look at the cockiness of this guy. The first thing he tells you about himself is that he’s fucking grand. You know what kind of people are usually called “Grand”? People name shit like Ivan, Gustavus, or Mithridates. But this guy? Fucking Mo. Eat it, ye peasants, and grovel.
Oh, and Grand Mo? He’s two years old, but like Babe Ruth pointing to the stands, he’s telling you he’s gonna sire a goddamn dynasty. He’s Grand Mo the First, and by the time Grand Mo the Fifth comes around, half of the houses in Europe will carry Grand Mo blood. A+
Dornoch
Named after a Scottish seaside resort with “the 5th best golf course outside the United States,” Dornoch is basically the Platonic ideal of a rich person’s name for a horse. It’s also the last place a “witch” was burned to death in Scotland, which only furthers that claim.
Now, since I’ve done all the research I care to do on this
one, I’m going to assume Dornoch is pronounced like Door Knock,
which is objectively a better name.
Score for Door Knock: C+
Score for Dornoch: F
Catalytic
If there’s anyone who hears the name Catalytic and doesn’t immediately think of the car part that meth heads steal to buy more meth to give them the energy they need to steal more car parts, they probably live in a less interesting country than mine. B
Catching Freedom
I refuse to believe that Catching Freedom is the name of anything but a heartwarming 2003 movie about a kid, whose firefighter dad died in 9/11, making it to the major leagues due to the power of patriotism.
Even in a purely modern context, this name makes freedom sound like a disease. D
Forever Young
I’m pretty sure Forever Young was the title of a
shitty Mel Gibson movie my sister put on when we were kids. I watched it with her
to appease her, because I didn’t know how to make my own macaroni and cheese. It
might’ve been the first time I realized that movies could be bad, and I think I’d
already seen Friday the 13th Part 5.
Parents, teach all your kids how to boil pasta. It might save them from Mel Gibson. F
Track Phantom
So your horse is never seen on the track? Try getting some experience, asshole.
I kid, I kid. I love a good ghost, and a ghost racehorse? That’s a scary story to tell in the dark. B+
T O Password
I guess the “T O” here means “timeout,” and the password, as universally recognized in the realm of sport, is making a T with your hands. But if that’s the case, why not just name the horse Making a T With Your Hands? That’d be a hall-of-fame name!
Score for T O Password: C
Score for Making a T With Your Hands: A+
Stronghold
Ah, yes. What’s faster than a stronghold? Imagine the increased sales if Chevrolet rebranded the Corvette as the Fortification. Total market domination, I’m sure. Who doesn’t associate a defensive structure with going fast? That’s why I drive a Nissan City Wall. F
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| Counterpoint: This thing can go the entire length of the board in one move. |
