Ah, racing. Perhaps man’s oldest sport, the competition to
see who can run the fastest goes all the way back to the days when the loser
got eaten by a sabercat.
Even today, people run races. I do not know why. We’ve invented
many sports that combine the principles of
the footrace with things that are actually interesting to watch, like balls and
people hitting each other. Meanwhile, we’ve removed the one thing from straight-up
running competitions that made them interesting in the first place: giant,
deadly cats.
It would be untoward to suggest adding tigers to the 100-meter
dash, and modern man has found quite an odd substitute to slake his race-spectating
thirst: small men slapping horses with tiny whips.
The Kentucky Derby is the pinnacle of professional horse
slapping; accordingly, the horses that receive the slaps are prized animals.
Today, we’re going to talk about the names given to these prized animals in
this, the year 2019.
That’s more than enough preamble! Now, to officially kick
off the festivities, here’s our adorable, if inapt, mascot from the Jurassic:
Darby the Derby ‘Dactyl!
Gray Magician
I haven’t studied Gray Magician’s background, but I have serious doubts that a three-year-old colt can have any sleight-of-hand skills, partly because he’s so young, and partly because he has no hands. I may be rushing to judgment, but I suspect a different name—almost any name—would suit it better. For example, “Runny-type Animal,” or perhaps “Expensive Big Dog,” would do more to capture the magnificence of this beast.
B
Maximum Security
Nothing gets out of this horse! Its colon ruptured long ago; it died of sepsis.
D
Master Fencer
Ok, it’s impressive as hell that you’ve trained your horse in the art of the rapier. I’m positively delighted. But I have a couple concerns:
1. The Kentucky Derby isn’t a swordfight, and
2. Your horse is going to be tempted to become an old-timey pirate.
Don’t get me wrong—I love the idea of a horse in a puffy shirt plundering tall ships on the high seas, with mizzenmasts and poop decks and all the rest. But modern pirates don’t use rapiers. They use guns. Your horse is going to get shot. Shame on you.
C-
Plus Que Parfait
French for “more than perfect,” Plus Que Parfait is a classic example of a phrase that sounds like it means something it really doesn’t. Nothing can be better than perfect, after all. Imagine you sit down to a steak dinner: Juicy ribeye, loaded potato, bit of asparagus, nice wine. It’s perfect! Now imagine the dinner also comes with a raw beet, a glob of plumber’s putty, and an ant farm. That’s more than perfect!
C+
Country House
If a horse and a country house are muddled up in your mind, there’s about an 80% chance you’re thinking of an RV.
D+
Tacitus
The Roman historian tacitus said, “To ravage, to slaughter, to usurp under false titles, they call empire; and where they make a desert, they call it peace.”
But also, his name anagrams to Suit Cat.
Just picture a cat in a little suit running around the racetrack, dead last by a mile, but trying real hard because he’s gotta bring home the bacon for Dress Cat and little Pigtails Cat.
Score for Tacitus: C-
Score for Suitcat: A+
War of Will
Will always wanted to start a war. Too bad he wasn’t the leader of a sovereign nation! But one day, Will found a loophole—declaring war against nobody! Now he’s the commander-in-chief of nothing. There’s only one problem: Without an enemy, who can sign the peace treaty? Is Will caught in a forever war?
It’s War of Will, coming to DVD and Blu-Ray this summer!
C+
Tax
This poor animal had to turn to racing to make ends meet after it found out Amazon didn’t have to pay it.
F
Game Winner
If the main character of the children’s sports movie makes the game winner, his coach is proud of him, his bully respects him, the cute girl kisses him, his parents get back together, his gambling debt is paid off, the mob boss calls off the hit, the friendly cop apprehends the Zodiac Killer, the nerds who’ve spent the whole movie in the science lab cure lymphoma, and Arby’s brings back the five-for-five promotion indefinitely.
Sucks to be you, kid. Your task isn’t to make a three-pointer or a slapshot or whatever. You have to make a horse.
B
Improbable
I know I’ve made my mark in the Kentucky Derby scene when someone went out of their way to name their contender after the prospect of me ever getting my life together.
C
Cutting Humor
I wanted to try some cutting humor on my friend, so I mowed a dick into his lawn.
He didn’t like it.
So I cut a big chunk out of his hair.
He didn’t like that either.
I hope he likes the one about his brake lines.
HA.
C-
Code of Honor
Two things I’ve never done:
1. Name a horse “Code of Honor"
2. Masturbate in the greeting card aisle of a Walgreens
If it ever comes down to it, I’m not naming a horse “Code of Honor.”
F
Long Range Toddy
Comprised of bourbon, lemon, and honey, this hot beverage can fly 6000 nautical miles without refueling.
B
Roadster
Hey, so you wanted a racecar, but you got a race horse. Who am I to judge?
Oh, wait—I’m exactly the judge! That’s my whole thing!
The fact that you named your horse—which runs on dirt—after a thing that runs on, you know, roads, sucks. It’s like naming a boat “Dickgoer.”
(Boats don’t go on dicks.)
F
Omaha Beach
When you think of Omaha Beach, you think of everything going wrong. You think of swamped transports and tanks, of infantrymen mowed down by machine guns before ever reaching the shore. You think of communications breaking down, of confusion, of leaderless troops acting without direction. You think of futility and the manmade hell we call war. You think of horse racing too, because you’re not as mentally sound as you used to be. You’ve been feeding the dog dry macaroni for a week.
D-
By My Standards
By my standards, it's a shit move to give an animal a prepositional phrase for a name.
F
Vekoma
Vekoma is the name of a Netherlands-based manufacturer of roller coasters. Racehorses are like roller coasters in that they’re good at running in a circle but terrible in terms of practical transportation.
C
Win Win Win
Fun fact: They were trying to name this colt after three Vietnamese people, but they couldn't pronounce “Nguyen Nguyen Nguyen” right. To be fair, neither can I.
D+
Haikal
A haikal is the central chapel in a Coptic church, and not, as I had guessed, a decal of a haiku. A haikal typically has an altar, which in horse terms is probably the saddle. Whether this makes the jockey a priest or an altar boy is left as an exercise for the reader.
This horse is not good
But it is a holy place
What are its parents?
D
Spinoff
I have to give Spinoff points for the rarest achievement in racehorse naming: accuracy! Indeed, Spinoff is a spin-off of other race horses (Hard Spun and Zaftig if you want the specifics, which you don’t). The question, of course, is whether this spin-off will be a Frasier or a Joey, a Family Matters or a Lone Gunmen. Yes, horses are TV shows now. You’ve been giving the dog an allowance for a month. You can’t wait for the next episode of Long Range Toddy.
A-
