This Saturday, a bunch of young animals will
run a mile and a quarter in such a way that causes people to don funny hats,
get wasted, and wager large sums of money. It may sound like madness, or even a
novel form of witchcraft, but no. It is the Kentucky Derby.
The Kentucky Derby is an old thing, predating toilet paper
and the seismograph (which were somehow invented in the same year). I don’t
know what people did before toilet paper made the scene, but they had eight
years’ worth of mail-order catalogs by the time it did, which may be a hint.
I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make here, partly because
I’ve expressed my opinions about this stupid race many times in my previous
Kentucky Derby articles, and partly because I just bonked my head pretty hard
while playing with my cat. But I’m pretty sure the gist of it is that the Derby
is one of the stupidest pissing contests wealthy people engage in, and that an
actual contest to see whose horse could piss the most would be more
entertaining. I’d watch the shit out of that (or the piss, as it were).
Anyway, here’s our mascot, Darby the Derby ‘Dactyl, to start
off the Mountain Time Kentucky Derby Horse Names Review—2023 edition.
Two Phil’s
This should be a horse that is
somehow two people named Phil. It could be a couple guys in a horse suit, or it
could be horse with multiple personalities, each named Phil. Unfortunately, that
apostrophe means that Two Phil’s belongs to a guy named Two Phil, who
got his nickname for having two of several body parts. B
Continuar
Continuar is simply the Spanish for to
continue, and I can kinda get behind that. You know, perseverance, willpower,
going forward, all that crap. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m supposed
to insert quarters into this horse. C+
Rocket Can
Rocket Can sounds like a
nice children’s book about a gas can named Rocky that dreams of being the fastest
can in the world. Everybody tells him he can’t do it, but he still has one fan
when he signs up for the track meet. She’s a nice can of Diet Pepsi, and she
believes in him! Unfortunately, it turns out that cans are inanimate objects,
and Rocky learns that he can’t achieve greater things on account of being a one.
This teaches Rocky that upward
mobility is a myth, and he spends the rest of his life fighting for the working
class. A
Forte
This moniker just screws the owner,
because literally everybody else in the world gets to say, “That’s not my Forte,”
and lazy quips like that fuel about 80% of chit-chat at parties. D
Cyclone Mischief
It seems to me that we, as a society, have arrived at a
point in which the word cyclone exclusively signifies carnival rides. If
you’re using it to mean anything else, you might as well be having a gay old
time with the Flintstones.
You know what we don’t need around our hastily-constructed
and probably-never-actually inspected carnival rides? Hijinks. Tomfoolery. Rascality.
You know, mischief.
Damn kids messing around near the machinery. You’re gonna
get your hair caught in the cyclone and be stuck buying wigs for the rest of
your life. C
Reincarnate
I don’t know how to. D+
Major Dude
I’m guessing this was a proposed title
for a Major Dad spinoff in which the titular dad gives up the army
life to pursue his dream of running a dude ranch. Gotta say, I’d watch it every
bit as much as I watched Major Dad.
B+
Verifying
Waiting for your debit card to be
accepted: The horse!
New rule: No gerunds. Seriously, it
isn’t even Verified; it’s a fucking ongoing process. And yeah,
we’re all “an ongoing process” in the new-agey sense, but this animal is going
to be shot, butchered, and served at Outback Steakhouse within the next three
years. F
Mage
Come on. It’s 2023. We’ve
identified so many types of mage at this point! To wit: A flame mage shoots
fireballs at you and you die. A frost mage makes a living snowman, the snowman
tells you what a disappointment you are, and you’re sad. A cyclone mage throws
a carnival ride at you, and you’re suing a business that couldn’t ever possibly
pay out.
If you’re just sticking with Mage,
I have to mark your assignment incomplete.
Tapit Trice
If you really feel compelled to
drill a hole in your head, make sure to do it after naming your
animals. F-
Jace’s Road
First off, Jace, along with his
sister Jan, their monkey Blip, and oh, I don’t know, friggin’ SPACE GHOST
traveled in the Phantom Cruiser through SPACE. If you didn’t know, space is a
lot like actress of screen and stage Natalie Portman, in that there are no
roads in it.
Secondly, it sounds like Jace is
supposed to drive a car over this horse.
B-
Practical Move
So you’ve started to realize you don’t take advantage of the
nightlife in your hip neighborhood. You might as well move to a cheaper part of
town where you’ll get twice the space for the same rent. That’s a practical
move and a normal part of progressing through life. It’s like when you stop
snorting your heartburn meds, or when you decide to only let licensed
professionals work on your teeth. But, somehow, nobody’s burdening animals with
those names. C-
Disarm
There are over 81,000 registered guns in Kentucky. This equine
is going to be assassinated, which, I’ll admit, will make for a very
entertaining Derby. B-
Mandarin Hero
At first, I figured this big pony was
named after some famed Chinese warrior. Then I found out it’s Japanese-owned
and -bred, so probably not.
Naturally, my mind moved to
picturing a courageous little orange that won the hearts of the people through
heroic actions. I was ready to stop there until I remembered that some people
call a sub sandwich a hero. “That’s a funny idea,” I thought, “a
sandwich filled with mandarin orange slices.”
But then, because I never trust my
brain to tell me the truth, I looked up whether anyone actually calls a sub a
hero. Sure enough, they do, primarily in New York. As the story goes, the term
was coined in a 1936 New York Herald Tribune column, the idea being that
the sandwich was so big “you had to be a hero to eat it.”
Dear reader, the author of that
column was a woman named Clementine Paddleworth. Clementine! A
clementine is just the smallest kind of mandarin orange!
Score for a brave orange: A
Score for a sandwich filled with
oranges: A
Score for this horse’s name being
an homage to the person came up with the name hero for a sandwich, which
it indisputably is: A+
Score for Clementine Paddleworth:
4.0 for the entire semester’s courseload.
Derma Sotogake
I don’t know what Sotogake means, but with the Derma
in front of it, I assume it’s a skin condition. “I can’t come in today, Sheila.
I’ve got the derma sotogake real bad. …Um, there’s bumps? And, uh…
stripes? Yeah, I’m a goddam sandpaper zebra right now, Sheila. …Yeah, that
cheetah’s teeth were worn-down to nubs.”
Score for Derma Sotogake: C?
Score for Sandpaper Zebra: A+
Confidence Game
It’s refreshing that, in a scene as wholesome as the
horseracing world, there’s someone willing to tell you they’re conning you. Everybody
and their “I’m holding these pills for my friend” uncle expects Confidence
Game to take a dive. Will it be as fun as the dive in Wild Hearts Can’t Be
Broken? You'll just have to tune in and see.
C-
Raise Cain
Who am I, Adam? No, I
have a belly button. I’m not raising that deadbeat’s kid. C-
Skinner
If our society is as advanced as we want to believe, you
either name it Steamed Hams or you don’t name it at all. F
Hit Show
At the time of this writing, the three most popular TV shows
(according to Rotten Tomatoes) are:
1.
The Diplomat (a very expected, and thus C-,
horse name)
2.
Beef (an A horse name at minimum)
3.
Florida Man (a meme far past its prime, and thus
a D horse name)
Whoever picked the name Hit Show thought they could
pass the selection of the specific show off to me. Well guess what,
dickwad; I’m not here to make you look good. I’m choosing 2001’s Dead Last
as the name of your horse. Sure, it only lasted one season, but 97% of Google
users liked it. That’s a hit to me. F
Angel of Empire
This is how you play the mental game in the Kentucky Derby:
Make all your competitors think your horse is a shitty mobile game. While
they’re assuming they’d have to watch ads every couple of minutes to make any
modicum of progress, you’re taking the lead.
Score for the name: D-
Score for the strategy: D- (unless it works)
Sun Thunder
I don’t know if this is a racing video
game from the ‘80s, a racing movie from the ‘80s, the band that did
the soundtrack for a racing movie in the ‘80s, or the band from the ‘00s
that was mocking the band from the ‘80s that did the soundtrack for the
racing movie, but I do know this: Someone knows how to name a fucking
horse. A
Lord Miles
Diogenes, the man who has been
remembered for 2300 years for not giving a shit, would still spend more time
coming up with a name for his horse than whoever the hell named Lord Miles. F
Kingsbarns
My research (of which I did very
little) tells me that Kingsbarns is just some place in Ireland. Also, this
horse is from Ireland. My conclusion: They just named this horse after where
it’s from, which is like naming Robocop Detroit. “Detroit is really
cleaning up Detroit,” the news anchor says. Detroit “The Tool Man” Detroit and
his wife Detroit watch in confusion. F
